Black Hair

Damn, I've been writing alot today. Anywhow, this Chinese lady who works in another office that mine came to visit for a second with a question for me. Let's call her Chun-Li. So Chun-Li looks at a picture of my goddaughter that I have up on my wall and she tells me that she is very cute. I say thank you very much, I know this! She then asks, if Black people are generally born very fair-skinned. I responded that I didn't know if it was a general rule, but that my goddaughter was indeed very pale when she was born two years ago. After answering this question I could just see the floodgate about to errupt. Chun-Li has only been in the states about 10-15 years, and you can tell that she is still adjusting to the multicultural aspects of New York as opposed to what she was used to in the Far East.

She then informed me that she has to ask such questions because she didn't know! She then explaied that when she used to see a Black woman with chemically straightened hair that she would think that the woman's hair was naturally that straight! She also thought that afros were fake!!! Talk about reversal. But wait, there is more. The kicker is that when she first moved to the states, she kept on hearing that many people couldn't tell Asian people apart. She then admitted that at first she thought everyone else looked alike!! She couldn't tell Black people apart from white people!!! Is this feasible?!!?!?!?

The Little Radio That Could

One of the sour point about my job is the fact that at times it can be very tedious. We have a ton of paperwork, files, and just plain old red tape that we have to manage on a daily basis to make sure we get the job done. Which means that there may be literally, entire days in which we are engaged in mindless tedious work that seems to have no end. I don't know about you all, but nothing bores the shit out of me more than mindless work for hours apon hours. The only thing that makes this bearable is the fact that we have a little office radio that we put on every morning, and play until 5:00 every afternoon. This radio has got to be at least 10 years old, as it has an old school analog dial, a tape player, and even an FM "boost" button. Suffice it to say, it can be here and there with reception.

I would love this little office radio whole-heartedly, if not for the fact that I work with two older white ladies. Guess what we play on this little radio every day? Giant hint: It's not the urban station. While I'd love to be listening to the likes of 50 Cent, Sean Paul, and maybe even a little Fantasia (though that chick's voice gets on my damn nerves sometimes), instead I get Lite FM, and the likes of Foreigner, Kelly Clarkson, Los Lonely Boys, and Dido (I have grown fond of that song that Eminem sampled for "Stan" - its' kinda hot) - you get the picture. While this selection of music is bearable, I hear the same damn songs EVERYDAY, which can at times become tiring. It's even worse around Christmas time, when Lite FM plays nothing but Christmas songs. Try listening to the same rotation of about 20 Christmas jingles every day for about 3 weeks!

So, you can imagine how happy I get when I'm all alone in the office. I secretly sneak to the radio, and I change the damn station! I have to be careful when doing that though - Anyone can hear what I'm playing if they walk into my office. I've had a few instances where the unsuspecting yuppy walks into my office, hears something objectionable on the radio, gives me that good old cross-eyed stare for a few seconds, and then talks to me. When I can, I turn the radio as low as possible if I know someone is about to enter the shop. Alright, faithful followers, I gotta run, the Barbara Streisand is on!

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday shouts to my boy Quint!!

Temperature Control

Good day folks. I apologize for the long delay between this and my previous post, but this wannabe writer's been busy! Anyhow, don't you just love it when someone says something that is oh-so-obvious that you can't help but crack the hell up at their stupidity? One of the more interesting aspects about life in the little shop has always been how cold or hot is in the office. I, like most people I know enjoy a nice moderate temperature - one in which you can sit and do your work without putting on more clothing nor taking anything off. The Director, on the other hand, usually likes it cold, but since she has her own space, she can easily close her door to keep others from being subjected to her frigid temperatures. Babs, also likes it cold, but she unfortunately cannot keep her climate control to herself...

We are lucky enough to have central air conditioning in our building, which means that during the summer, while the rest of the world bakes, we enjoy a nice cool setting. The central air is usally good enough for me, but Babs, like clockwork, comes in sweating every morning and asks me to turn on our personal air conditioner that we have in the little shop. So lets recap - central air + personal air conditioning = cold as hell... I freeze my ass off in here every morning just to keep good old Babs from getting heat stroke in a 70 degree office. After a good hour or so she usually tells me that I can turn it off, but don't let her get busy doing anything active, because on it goes again.

Funnily enough Mrs. V came into our office this morning and commented on how cold it was. She, unlike Babs, is actually a very petite older woman, and I can see how she would always be cold. Babs, as a larger old woman, is usually warmer than most, and to me it makes perfect sense why the two of them always have opposite sensations of hot and cold. Mrs. V said to Babs, "I don't know how you can do it. It's freezing in here! How can you work in such cold?" Babs replied, "I don't know, but since I was younger I've always gotten really hot really quickly! I'm always sweating!" Have you been going through menapause since your 20's Babs?? Jeez, get a clue. The look in Mrs. V's eyes screamed "It's cause you're a fat fuck!" I quickly hid my head in my hands and cried in silent laughter as I continued to shiver.

Digression Part II

I hope some of you out there drink and get this. So, I spent this last Saturday at my parents' house as they were having a barbeque for some family. Anyhow, I saw some of my mothers younger cousins (they are close in age to me) who I am on and off close with. One of them showed me some pictures of another one of our cousins who lives in Canada right now. Let's call her Lisa. Anyhow, this picture was of Lisa and a really really dark skinned young man, and they were both dressed up in what look like prom outfits (she just graduated from high school). What was striking about the picture was the contrast in skin tones between the two of them - Lisa is mixed, Black and Indian with a fair complexion, and as mentioned before, her date was a none too attractive dark skinned young man. I looked at the picture and asked my cousin - "Who is this that Lisa went out with!!??" My cousin looked back at me with a smirk and said "Oh, that was her prom date, Johnny." "Johnny, huh?" I replied... "Yeah, his name is Johnny, but I called him Johhny Walker Black!"

Birthday Presents

Why must people in offices always, always, always give presents to each other for birthdays and Christmas? I, personally, think it's more of a pain in the ass than a nice thing to do (except if it's my birthday of course). Especially in work situations where you get along with the people you work with, but don't care about them enough to actually put thought (or money) into a decent present. Other offices are probably pretty bad about this stuff, but the shop takes it to a different level. Let me explain.

First of all, my larger organization celebrates EVERYTHING. Not only do we get a bazillion days off, but we party and celebrate anything and everything we can (Would the shit hit the fan for you if you found out that the place where you spent most of your childhood had several extensive collections of fine liquor?). We're that bad. We have a Christmas party, celebrations for marriages, baby showers, wedding showers, parties for people who leave, reunion parties, fund raising - you name it, we have it, and we have booze. That being said, you can probably start to appreciate the festive atmosphere here, and understand why we're so big on gift-giving.

My problem is that I just never know what to get, and sometimes I don't even know that a certain situation deserves a gift, or that you should be getting certain people gifts. For example, there is a lady who comes into our office quite frequently who we work with on and off. She knows us well, but she isn't really part of our little operation. Christmas came around last year, and she bought me a gift! And, she gave it to me on the last day before we broke for vacation! I had nothing for her! How was I supposed to know to get her something? I already get something for Babs, the Director, MJ, and even a couple other people. Sigh, I felt like a jackass.

When I do get presents for one of my coworkers, I have trouble figuring out what would be good for the said compadre. Movie tickets? Gift certificates? Perfume? Wine? I never know what they would like, and I always feel like I'd get something horrible. One year my coworker gave me a serving tray for drinks, and a dinky one at that. What am I supposed to do with a dinky serving tray? So, as this year rolls up on fall, I shall start planning. Babs birthday is coming soon, and Christmas is just beyond that. I gotta find the perfect present.

Vacations

Working in the little shop definitely has its perks sometimes. We get free lunch, we're paid for overtime hours(even though we are salary), and we get craploads of time off! This year alone I've taken my two weeks vacation, my ten sick and personal days, and my weeks off for Christmas and spring break! Not to mention, we also are given Fridays off during the summer. Not a bad deal! This summer I am taking some vacation time - I take off every Monday (which means I get four day weekends!), and only come in to work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. It's been a great way to catch up with friends and to also catch up with stuff I neglected to do when my schedule was busier.

While I'm thrilled with the time I get, it doesn't even compare to the Director and Babs. The Director is currently on a week-long tour of south-east asia with her rich husband, soaking in the rays and the culture. She takes random days off throughout the year, as well as about three different weeks off for random small vacations when they arise. Babs, on the other hand, probably has more time off now that time on! She's off the ENTIRE month of August, and she had previously taken two weeks in July. That, in addition to her sick days, and holiday vacations, I feel like she's never here! But, I can't complain. What would I do with myself if I had a whole month off at home (cause that's exactly where her blubbery behind is right now)? I'd bore myself to death. So instead of being jealous, I choose to bask in the quiet of the office with a good movie, some music, and occasional work.

Blah Blah Friggin Blah

During the glorious days of summer I receive a bit of a reprieve. The Director and Babs usually take their billion days of vacation during August, which leave me at peace to do whatever the hell I want, at my own pace, and quietly. The Director just left yesterday to go on an extravagant vacation with her husband while Babs and MJ have been spending their extravagant vacation on their behinds at home. I woke up this morning a little happier than most mornings, knowing that I would be completely alone today. I packed a couple of DVD's, I brought my iPod computer connector, and a good book - I was set to take advantage of a vacation day at work.

I arrived at 8:30 this morning, opened my office door, and saw a glorious sight - no one back there! I was in heaven. I sat down at my computer, powered it on, and decided to surf the net for a few minutes before getting into my proper activities for the day. Suddenly the phone rang, and I thought, this had better be friggin quick. "Hello," I answered. It was the director. She was cheery as usual, and at the airport awaiting her flight to paradise. As I conversed with her about her upcoming journey I wondered - who bothers to call their office to check in an hour before they take off on a great vacation? I know she trusts me (at least I think she does), so I still can't figure it out. Anyhow, I spaced out on most of the conversation, saying "uh-huh," and "sounds like fun," "enjoy," "take lots of pictures," and "we'll miss you here" quite a few times. Before I knew it, the blah, blah, blahs turned into "have a wonderful week!"

I settled back to my morning chores of procrastination when the phone rang again! This time it was Babs!!! "Hi!!!...... Whatcha doin?...... Is it quiet there today?" I'm doing shit, and yes Babs, it is quiet - until you friggin broke the silence in here. It turned out that Babs actually had more in mind to discuss that the quiet in the office. She couldn't get on to her email at home, so I helped her to download our actual email client, and walked her through the steps of setting it up. Next thing I knew, she wanted to know how to import a chart into a word document that she was helping her son, the Prince with. Come on!! Does this sound like little shop biz to you? Before you know it, I was on the phone with her for 45 minutes, and she still couldn't figure this all out. I finally got her to accept the fact that she was going to have to find another way around this by tuning her out. But she's a sneaky old broad - "He needs to have this done by tomorrow! And we just have to have this chart in!" I sucked it up, pretty much did the damn thing myself, emailed it back to her, and then listened to her kiss my ass for 10 minutes before hanging up. A whole hour and a half wasted on Babs!! On my vacation day! Sigh, the movie will have to wait...

Digression

I had a funny little incident happen to me last night that has nothing to do with the little shop that I want to share. I was out late last night with some friends, and didn't get on the train to head home until around 2:00AM. When I got to the express stop closest to my local stop, I got off the train, sat down on one of the large wooden benches to await my beloved R train. I pulled out my book, started to read, and patiently awaited the local.

Out of the blue, a random early 20's young lady sat down really close to me. Usually, if there is no one else on one of the large wooden NYC subway benches, I think its usually pretty good etiquettel to give yourself about a two seat spacing (at minimum) between yourself and another bench occupant. This lady placed herself just one seat away from mine, which caused me to look over at her briefly. As I glanced in her direction, I saw her glance back at me.

"Excuse me," she said. "My name is Vanessa, and I'm a good Christian." As I stared incredulously at her, I noticed that she had a big suitcase with her and I also noticed the armpit hairs peeking out from underneath her arms. As I took her in (visually) I wondered what she could possibly want from me at 2 in the morning. I hoped that all she wanted to know was how to get to her home destination, but I would not be so lucky. "I'm currently looking for a job, but I need a place to stay for a little while - do you think you can help me out??" What in the hell??? Since when can you go up to a random person on the subway, in New York, at 2:00 in the morning, and ask if you can stay with them?? She must have lost her damn mind. Even though I was thinking this, I didn't think it appropriate to actually say this to her. "I'm sorry Miss, but I live with my parents, and I don't think they would have room for someone else to stay with them" I lied. I looked back at my book hoping that she would have taken the hint and leave it well alone. Nope. "Do you think you can ask your parents if it would be ok if I stayed with them?" No dummy, I don't think I can ask my parents if you can stay with us... Leave me alone. "I'm sorry but we don't have that much room, and it's much to late to be calling them." Hoping that this was finally the end of it, I went back to my book again...

"Well, can you help me out with some change?" she continued. This had to be the stupidest, can't take a hint lady on the face of the damn planet. I told her that all I had was ten cents, which she then asked me for. After I gave it to her, she asked me which train she should take to get somewhere. After answering her last question she finally left me alone, yet I could still feel her eyes glancing over to me every few seconds. I don't think anyone could be that dumb. What was really going on there? Was she looking for some ass? Was she just that desperate? Who knows, but in retrospect it was funny as hell...