Tales From The Dark Side of Humor

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Digression IV.5

Sorry for the long delay with this story!! Anyhow, let's see. So, one fine Friday night I went out with a couple of my boys to get some dinner. After eating a ridiculously overpriced cheeseburger, I hopped on the train to head home. I walked onto the R train and sat across fromt he girl you see in the previous post's picture. She had a little cuteness, big breasts, but a sloppy demeanor. Within two minutes she starts to perform. She jumped onto one of the bars and started doing pullups and other strange exercises. After sitting back down she smiled at every male within range of her, including me. She then proceeded to pull down her shirt a little, exposing her shoulders and some of her cleavage. Within minutes she went straight buckwild after smiling at me and other men again! She started pinching her nipples (through her shirt), making them hard while smiling. She was definitely looking for attention, and my better judgement told me not to give it to her. However, within minutes another young man decided to attend to her and basically told her that she was going to get off the train with him to go party!! What do you think happened to this girl???

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Digression IV

Thanks to Kim Plaintive for the Foto Fun inspiration! Anyhow, look at this picture and tell me what's wrong with it? Some context - I took this picture on a New York City subway a couple of weeks ago at 11:oo pm. I'll disclose the entire story tomorrow.

Bathroom Smell II

I just got back from lunch and decided to take a short journey from the little shop to the mens' bathroom. I opened up the door, stepped inside and inhaled normally. I started to choke immediately as I could not fully breath with the foul smell that had infiltrated so sacred a room. Can someone answer this question for me? What bodily function can a person possibly perform that would create a stink the smells like a cross of shit and vomit? I doubt someone took a shit and then vomited in the same trip, so what could it possibly be? Anyone else have similar experiences with so foul a smell?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Director Is A Perv

Today I sat down to a heartly lunch with Babs, the Director, and a friend of mine from high school named Evan. Evan was telling us of his adventures running and his plans to run in the next New York Marathon. After some conversing, we start discussing some of the good running schools aound the country when the Director mentions that she saw NYU's cross country team running up Fifth Avenue, with nothing on but shorts: "They looked very good - I stopped and stared for a little while... yup, they definitely looked really good." Do 55+ year old women look at college dudes like that? I've heard of dirty old men, but dirty old women too??? Craziness...

Friday, September 09, 2005

Can I Get Some Attention

Babs is an attention whore. It's sad to say, but true. It's also sad to say, but not everyone likes her, though she seems to believe otherwise. Which is why, for some odd reason, she always seems to find something negative to say about anyone that passes her by without talking to her or gives her sideways looks. Needless to say, there was an "incident" today which brings me to this conclusion. Lets proceed.

There's a great older lady that works in another office. She's Argentinian and sooo grand-motherly it's not even funny. Whenever I see her I want to go up to her give her a big hug and tell her she's the greatest thing since cheesecake. Anyhow, me and he have a really nice relationship, especially since we are both big fans of the Yankees. So, she walks into the little shop today, and quickly looks past Babs. "Hey Sue, the Director...." Sue jumps in a chair next to me as she brushed past Babs and says, "So did you see the game last night???!!" Even though Babs almost whispered her hello, she still looked pretty miffed that she was ignored. Anyhow, we had a grand conversation about the Yankees and about some of our kids before finally taking off.

As soon as she was gone, Babs yells "So, what she didn't even see me?!!?!?" "I can't believe she didn't even say nothing to me!!!" Get over it Babs, not everyone likes you...

Thursday, September 01, 2005

White People and Ghosts, Black People and Water and Digression Part III

When I was a kid I used to watch a ton of horror movies. I couldn't get enough of them - ghosts, monsters, vampires, the evil un-dead - you name it, I loved it. I especially loved the supernatural - tales that involved demons ghosts and good old fashion battles with the devil. These movies, while entertaining always left me with a puzzling question. Why did White people always stay in the house after they figured out that there was a damn ghost?? You knew they hated them, so why stay around and get possessed, get sucked into a TV, or get the shit scared out of you on a daily basis? You know you're not going to beat a ghost and reclaim your home so why try? I never could figure it out, especially knowing that most sensical Black people would break out and sell the house when they get within first earshot of the all too famous ghost line of "get out." Silly TV white people.

Anyhow, this gets me to my point. It's been really sad and crazy looking at all the destruction that hurricane Katrina left behind in the south. It's just crazy. But while perusing through the news and looking at the papers, there is one astounding trend I've noticed. Everyone is Black!! Why are all the people who decided to stay back and challenge a HURRICANE Black??? We all know that Black people generally don't like water, so why stay back to have to escape an ocean of water coming to engulf your city!! And all these fools were warned! When the mayor tells you "Get out of the city, there is a lot of water coming in the form of a deadly hurricane" you leave!! At least I would... Anyhow, so I will never again question why White people stay in haunted houses, cause we Black people are like them - We like to stay to see a hurricane...

Did you also catch the news coverage of looting? Does it seem like all the looters are black? Check this...

The Bathroom

Hi folks. I walked into the Little Shop a few minutes late today, and after having had been on a train for about 45 minutes I had to pee. I walked from my office into our reception area, passing by the women's bathroom. The bathroom was under some sort of repair, so it was wide open for all to see the wonders it contained. It smelled like sweet perfume, there were flowers on the counter-top, and there were about three stalls for womens' use. Additionally, it was well lit, there is a huge mirror, and a very nice sink. All of these revelations were quite a surprise to me since the majority of people within our larger walls are indeed male. Why did the few women have such nice amenities?

I walked through the reception area to the other side of the front desk, and retreated to the men's bathroom. I opened the door to come face to face with a foul, just been shat in odor, and a very faint trace of very poor air freshener. There is only one toilet, one small sink, and a mirror that is always dirty. As I held my breath and nose from the foul stench, I did my business while noticing the nice brown marks that the previous user had left behind just for me. I left quickly, returned to my desk, and pondered what I just witnessed. A women's bathroom that is pristine and can accomodate 4 to 5 women who could anything imaginable that one would want to do in a bathroom (brush one's teeth, check make-up etc.), and a men's bathroom that is often locked because it can only accompany one occupant, with a stained toilet, and no space to procrastinate. When did women gain the upper hand in the potty war?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Black Hair

Damn, I've been writing alot today. Anywhow, this Chinese lady who works in another office that mine came to visit for a second with a question for me. Let's call her Chun-Li. So Chun-Li looks at a picture of my goddaughter that I have up on my wall and she tells me that she is very cute. I say thank you very much, I know this! She then asks, if Black people are generally born very fair-skinned. I responded that I didn't know if it was a general rule, but that my goddaughter was indeed very pale when she was born two years ago. After answering this question I could just see the floodgate about to errupt. Chun-Li has only been in the states about 10-15 years, and you can tell that she is still adjusting to the multicultural aspects of New York as opposed to what she was used to in the Far East.

She then informed me that she has to ask such questions because she didn't know! She then explaied that when she used to see a Black woman with chemically straightened hair that she would think that the woman's hair was naturally that straight! She also thought that afros were fake!!! Talk about reversal. But wait, there is more. The kicker is that when she first moved to the states, she kept on hearing that many people couldn't tell Asian people apart. She then admitted that at first she thought everyone else looked alike!! She couldn't tell Black people apart from white people!!! Is this feasible?!!?!?!?

The Little Radio That Could

One of the sour point about my job is the fact that at times it can be very tedious. We have a ton of paperwork, files, and just plain old red tape that we have to manage on a daily basis to make sure we get the job done. Which means that there may be literally, entire days in which we are engaged in mindless tedious work that seems to have no end. I don't know about you all, but nothing bores the shit out of me more than mindless work for hours apon hours. The only thing that makes this bearable is the fact that we have a little office radio that we put on every morning, and play until 5:00 every afternoon. This radio has got to be at least 10 years old, as it has an old school analog dial, a tape player, and even an FM "boost" button. Suffice it to say, it can be here and there with reception.

I would love this little office radio whole-heartedly, if not for the fact that I work with two older white ladies. Guess what we play on this little radio every day? Giant hint: It's not the urban station. While I'd love to be listening to the likes of 50 Cent, Sean Paul, and maybe even a little Fantasia (though that chick's voice gets on my damn nerves sometimes), instead I get Lite FM, and the likes of Foreigner, Kelly Clarkson, Los Lonely Boys, and Dido (I have grown fond of that song that Eminem sampled for "Stan" - its' kinda hot) - you get the picture. While this selection of music is bearable, I hear the same damn songs EVERYDAY, which can at times become tiring. It's even worse around Christmas time, when Lite FM plays nothing but Christmas songs. Try listening to the same rotation of about 20 Christmas jingles every day for about 3 weeks!

So, you can imagine how happy I get when I'm all alone in the office. I secretly sneak to the radio, and I change the damn station! I have to be careful when doing that though - Anyone can hear what I'm playing if they walk into my office. I've had a few instances where the unsuspecting yuppy walks into my office, hears something objectionable on the radio, gives me that good old cross-eyed stare for a few seconds, and then talks to me. When I can, I turn the radio as low as possible if I know someone is about to enter the shop. Alright, faithful followers, I gotta run, the Barbara Streisand is on!

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday shouts to my boy Quint!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Temperature Control

Good day folks. I apologize for the long delay between this and my previous post, but this wannabe writer's been busy! Anyhow, don't you just love it when someone says something that is oh-so-obvious that you can't help but crack the hell up at their stupidity? One of the more interesting aspects about life in the little shop has always been how cold or hot is in the office. I, like most people I know enjoy a nice moderate temperature - one in which you can sit and do your work without putting on more clothing nor taking anything off. The Director, on the other hand, usually likes it cold, but since she has her own space, she can easily close her door to keep others from being subjected to her frigid temperatures. Babs, also likes it cold, but she unfortunately cannot keep her climate control to herself...

We are lucky enough to have central air conditioning in our building, which means that during the summer, while the rest of the world bakes, we enjoy a nice cool setting. The central air is usally good enough for me, but Babs, like clockwork, comes in sweating every morning and asks me to turn on our personal air conditioner that we have in the little shop. So lets recap - central air + personal air conditioning = cold as hell... I freeze my ass off in here every morning just to keep good old Babs from getting heat stroke in a 70 degree office. After a good hour or so she usually tells me that I can turn it off, but don't let her get busy doing anything active, because on it goes again.

Funnily enough Mrs. V came into our office this morning and commented on how cold it was. She, unlike Babs, is actually a very petite older woman, and I can see how she would always be cold. Babs, as a larger old woman, is usually warmer than most, and to me it makes perfect sense why the two of them always have opposite sensations of hot and cold. Mrs. V said to Babs, "I don't know how you can do it. It's freezing in here! How can you work in such cold?" Babs replied, "I don't know, but since I was younger I've always gotten really hot really quickly! I'm always sweating!" Have you been going through menapause since your 20's Babs?? Jeez, get a clue. The look in Mrs. V's eyes screamed "It's cause you're a fat fuck!" I quickly hid my head in my hands and cried in silent laughter as I continued to shiver.